There is something about rage.

About knowing.

About feeling all that anger bubble up inside you.

Yes, bubble. It bubbles up like they say, it’s true.

One beat after the other, filling on top of each other until it bursts from your skin, like an explosion of hate.

And what is hate. It is when you heart tightens because that one person that can make you so angry you feel it- the rage.

It’s like love but instead of happiness you feel despair.

Your heart feels like it is a tiny animal burrowing itself deeper into your chest.

Ah. and there is only the person that you love more than anything that can make you feel this way.

The one person that can make you want to kill them because they act that way and you can’t make them see reason. The person that you can argue with until the end. Or maybe it’s me.

I was done with being yelled at, spoken over, lied to, misused, mistreated …

because what?

You know better. You know it all, you know everything. I am not angry anymore, but I still feel it when I think of you. The pounding inside my head. The feeling of being lost inside myself, not knowing what to do.

Wanting to compete.

I have never wanted that.

I never feel this much.

It is like a world of new senses opened up to me, because before I was made of stone. I didn’t feel the other’s, memories of non-feeling are all I have. I only hate about three people. Is that a large number? A small one? I think it might seem closer to three million with the rage, but I know that hating that many people can’t be good for your physical health

because they dig under your skin and behind your eyes to irritate the life from your breath

I guess at some point in life you break the surface of what you can take and all you are left to do is experience the world washing over you in waves of events, feelings, and ….

I know there is something about rage, about life, about….

About knowing?

-Jess Gatsby

 

If I could write this a million times… and make it make sense, I would.

 

Thank you guys for reading my ravings. I have been having a hell of a time at it.

 

 

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